Five Years Later

January 17, 2026 by Soul On Ice

I still have a hard time accepting that you’re gone. I wrote this in my head over the past several weeks, but when it became time to take it from my mind to paper, I got nervous. Then I remembered I’m writing to you, you would tell me to knock it off, so here we are.

A lot has happened since you left this place. After the tears stopped (well, the tears never stopped, but that’s for a later part of this note), I was like, “Please don’t leave me here with these crazy people.” It was one thing when dad died; you and I were together, flying across the world to go see him. We didn’t know what to expect when we got to Zimbabwe, but we thought we’d see him alive. I like to think that he knew we were on the way, and that once we landed and he was told that mom was on the way to get us from the airport, that he said, “Okay, I don’t want my two oldest to see me like this. They’ll make sure I’m sent off properly,” and he went to The Upper Room. That’s why as sad as I was about dad passing, I wasn’t too confused by it. In a way, it even made sense, so I long ago accepted it.

This is different. Five years later, it’s still different. It will never make sense, and I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it.

Anyway, it’s been awhile since we’ve done one of these, so let’s start with some good stuff: TCU played in The National Championship in 2023. I don’t know if they have streaming services where you’re at, so I’ll explain it to you just in case you didn’t see it. They beat Michigan to get to the title game. The game was incredible and one that you would have enjoyed. That was the good news. The bad news was they had Georgia waiting on them in the championship, and…let’s just say it’s one of those games that you would have gone to the tailgate before halftime and not even bothered going back inside. They got their asses….whooped. But I like to think that for you, someone who was apart of TCU for over 30 years and remembered the dark days, you would have appreciated the fact that they did get there. I won’t tell you the score. If you have wiFi where you’re at, then you saw the score. If you don’t, be glad you don’t and you can be happy just knowing that, at least, they were one of the last two teams left that season.

What else? Well, we had a Black woman vice-president…of The United States. Granted, you knew that was coming, because we talked about it on the phone during our last conversation before…well, you know the rest. Just like the eight years of Obama in the White House, I barely enjoyed the four years of Kamala being in the White House because I kept thinking something would happen to her. That’s 12 years of not enjoying the moment, because there was always a thought in the back of my mind that the other shoe was gonna fall off. She wrote another book that is excellent and she’s staying away from these wild-ass folks right now and good for her. I imagine you would think the same.

What else? Well, The Pope is a White Sox fan, even though folks swore he was a Cubs fan when he became The Pope. Anyway, I don’t know why it’s so funny to me that he is a sports fan, period. Growing up, I just remember The Pope going around blessing people, not as someone going around throwing jabs at Cubs fans and saying “Da Bears” when Bears fans roll up on him and ask him to bless their team. In the five years since you left, I will admit those are times when I do laugh, because I know you would find it hilarious, too.

I’ve cried a lot, been in the dark a lot. Even though the dark period has passed, the fog is still there. There was never a time when I thought I would be here and you wouldn’t. You were my first friend and even though I was too young to remember those times, I know you remember them. It’s why I can say that with confidence because I see how our nephews are with each other; how Lincoln is with Georgia. Speaking of which, Andrea is a mom now. Yeah, it’s humbling and comedy at the same time. When I see how Journey acts when she walks in the room, I can’t believe it. Journey is her son. Well, if you have internet where you’re at, then you know this, ‘cause she posts him all the time. Anyway, mom and I talk about it, how the little girl is all grown up and Andrea, the youngest of all of us, is Ma Dukes now. It’s still baffling. Anyway, it’s why I can say you were my first friend, because I see how these kids are with each other, how they were when they were little, and it gives me a glimpse of what it was possibly like when we started off. Granted, it was the 1980s and there was no cable, no wiFi, no internet, but still.

There’s not much to post these days. I don’t wanna get on social media and post like it’s all good when it’s not, so I don’t. I have a lot of relationships that need fixing, and if you were here, you’d be on my ass about that and staying in this fog for as long as I have. It’s just…well…since I wasn’t ready for you to leave, I don’t know to keep going. Like, I know how to go through the motions and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past five years, but it’s time to snap out of it, and maybe writing to you directly will help that.

It’s just that…I feel like the moment I finally snapped out of it was a couple of years after dad died; then you left, and I was right back in it again and worse than before, because I can’t make sense out of any of this shit. Then when people bring God into it, I’m like, “Nah, bruh,” and go right back into isolation. It isn’t rational, but I haven’t been much for rationality in awhile unless it involves work. Even then, I think about you and dad all the time given what both of y’all meant to my educational growth, especially with you when it comes to my Spanish, because my Spanish is nice now, but you would probably say yours is still better.

This seems like a decent place to stop for now. Just know all these years later, you’re still finding a way to make your mark and leaving where you were better than you found it. You’ll always be my first friend, and know that I’m taking good care of your bear for you.

My Soul

February 09, 2021 by Soul On Ice

Things weren’t supposed to end like this. Marcia and I were seven years apart, and while her memory was always sharper than mine about the two years we had together before our three younger sisters came along, we remained crazy-close. She had one little brother and I had one big sister. That was something we were proud of and something we spoke about quite a bit.

Writing this in the past tense is not easy. It never will be easy to think of you in the past tense and, honestly, it makes me angry to do so, but never at you, and more about how cruel life is.

We got to spend 38 years and change together. We could never stay mad at each other. We could get fed up with other people, but never with each other. There was a time when she was 12 years old and already had a knack for saving money. I was five years old and only knew how to spend it. She and my mom left to go somewhere, and I took it upon myself to go into her room. That was my first mistake, but if I was going to mess up, it was going to be big.

No Kap, No NFL: Three Years without Football

June 30, 2020 by Soul On Ice

The last NFL game I watched was in January 2017, a divisional playoff matchup between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys. Anyone who watched that game knows it didn't end well for Dallas. My boy Tinsley chronicled his experience in real-time, exposing people to a day in the life of a Dallas Cowboys fan. It was also the last time Tony Romo would ever wear an NFL uniform as he went on to retire later that calendar year. As was the case after every Cowboys season before that, the disappointment would carry into the later months and I would simply recharge the batteries for more anguish and pain once the 2017 season began.

However, there was no 2017 season for me, because the 2016 season was also the last time Colin Kaepernick would play in the NFL. Once it became obvious as to why he wasn't on a roster and allowed to compete, I renounced my NFL fandom and vowed not to watch another game until he was signed to a NFL roster. I have not watched it since. The way I saw it, if Colin Kaepernick was willing to jeopardize his career on behalf of people who looked like me, then I was willing to give up the NFL as a source of entertainment, no matter how long it had been a fixture in my life.

There is an expression as battle-tested as the days are long and it is very simple: God don't like ugly. That was a reason why it's been easy to not watch an NFL game, not engage in conversations about the NFL with anyone who continues to watch the product for over three years, and why it has been easy to never return. Colin Kaepernick took a knee to highlight systemic oppression against black and brown people and people of color in the United States and, as someone who has been black all my life, I knew exactly what he meant. It was easy to align with what he was doing. It did not take having to bury an unarmed loved one killed by the police for me to be upset. I see myself anytime I see stories of black and brown men who are treated unjustly by American law enforcement. It is impossible not to take it personally when people who lack empathy trivialize your feelings and stance about what has long been an issue in this country.

My Heart

January 09, 2020 by Soul On Ice

To understand the love I have for my youngest sister is to go back to December 5, 1990, and understand that the sister I love deeply is the same sister that I thought was going to be my little brother. Kathrine, another one of my younger sisters felt the same way. Kathrine was tired of having an older brother who didn’t want her coming to the playground to play ball or sit together and play Nintendo. The plan was for Andrea to never be Andrea, and in our adolescent heads, or our parents telling us we would have a younger brother, we were prepared to shower a little boy with all of the love, care and ice cream we could muster up.

Then we get to the hospital and my mom is holding a newborn girl. Safe to say, neither Kathrine nor I were happy and wanted absolutely nothing to do with the newest member of the family. Sharon was cool with it because now she had a younger sibling to play with. Marcia was cool with it because Andrea was healthy and she was smart enough to realize that was the most important thing. My eight-year-old eyes refused to look her way. I threw a fit at Denton Regional Medical Center, left the delivery room and sat right down in the waiting area. Eight-year-olds can’t drive, at least in America, so driving back to the house wasn’t an option. Instead, I fumed in a chair while everyone else celebrated the birth of my youngest sister.

However, the fury was short-lived. Once I finally looked at her, it was impossible not to fall in love with her and despite having three sisters already, it was settled right there and then, that Andrea was my favorite sister and my job was to be the best big brother she could ever have.