Five Years Later

I still have a hard time accepting that you’re gone. I wrote this in my head over the past several weeks, but when it became time to take it from my mind to paper, I got nervous. Then I remembered I’m writing to you, you would tell me to knock it off, so here we are.

A lot has happened since you left this place. After the tears stopped (well, the tears never stopped, but that’s for a later part of this note), I was like, “Please don’t leave me here with these crazy people.” It was one thing when dad died; you and I were together, flying across the world to go see him. We didn’t know what to expect when we got to Zimbabwe, but we thought we’d see him alive. I like to think that he knew we were on the way, and that once we landed and he was told that mom was on the way to get us from the airport, that he said, “Okay, I don’t want my two oldest to see me like this. They’ll make sure I’m sent off properly,” and he went to The Upper Room. That’s why as sad as I was about dad passing, I wasn’t too confused by it. In a way, it even made sense, so I long ago accepted it.

This is different. Five years later, it’s still different. It will never make sense, and I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it.

Anyway, it’s been awhile since we’ve done one of these, so let’s start with some good stuff: TCU played in The National Championship in 2023. I don’t know if they have streaming services where you’re at, so I’ll explain it to you just in case you didn’t see it. They beat Michigan to get to the title game. The game was incredible and one that you would have enjoyed. That was the good news. The bad news was they had Georgia waiting on them in the championship, and…let’s just say it’s one of those games that you would have gone to the tailgate before halftime and not even bothered going back inside. They got their asses….whooped. But I like to think that for you, someone who was apart of TCU for over 30 years and remembered the dark days, you would have appreciated the fact that they did get there. I won’t tell you the score. If you have wiFi where you’re at, then you saw the score. If you don’t, be glad you don’t and you can be happy just knowing that, at least, they were one of the last two teams left that season.

What else? Well, we had a Black woman vice-president…of The United States. Granted, you knew that was coming, because we talked about it on the phone during our last conversation before…well, you know the rest. Just like the eight years of Obama in the White House, I barely enjoyed the four years of Kamala being in the White House because I kept thinking something would happen to her. That’s 12 years of not enjoying the moment, because there was always a thought in the back of my mind that the other shoe was gonna fall off. She wrote another book that is excellent and she’s staying away from these wild-ass folks right now and good for her. I imagine you would think the same.

What else? Well, The Pope is a White Sox fan, even though folks swore he was a Cubs fan when he became The Pope. Anyway, I don’t know why it’s so funny to me that he is a sports fan, period. Growing up, I just remember The Pope going around blessing people, not as someone going around throwing jabs at Cubs fans and saying “Da Bears” when Bears fans roll up on him and ask him to bless their team. In the five years since you left, I will admit those are times when I do laugh, because I know you would find it hilarious, too.

I’ve cried a lot, been in the dark a lot. Even though the dark period has passed, the fog is still there. There was never a time when I thought I would be here and you wouldn’t. You were my first friend and even though I was too young to remember those times, I know you remember them. It’s why I can say that with confidence because I see how our nephews are with each other; how Lincoln is with Georgia. Speaking of which, Andrea is a mom now. Yeah, it’s humbling and comedy at the same time. When I see how Journey acts when she walks in the room, I can’t believe it. Journey is her son. Well, if you have internet where you’re at, then you know this, ‘cause she posts him all the time. Anyway, mom and I talk about it, how the little girl is all grown up and Andrea, the youngest of all of us, is Ma Dukes now. It’s still baffling. Anyway, it’s why I can say you were my first friend, because I see how these kids are with each other, how they were when they were little, and it gives me a glimpse of what it was possibly like when we started off. Granted, it was the 1980s and there was no cable, no wiFi, no internet, but still.

There’s not much to post these days. I don’t wanna get on social media and post like it’s all good when it’s not, so I don’t. I have a lot of relationships that need fixing, and if you were here, you’d be on my ass about that and staying in this fog for as long as I have. It’s just…well…since I wasn’t ready for you to leave, I don’t know to keep going. Like, I know how to go through the motions and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past five years, but it’s time to snap out of it, and maybe writing to you directly will help that.

It’s just that…I feel like the moment I finally snapped out of it was a couple of years after dad died; then you left, and I was right back in it again and worse than before, because I can’t make sense out of any of this shit. Then when people bring God into it, I’m like, “Nah, bruh,” and go right back into isolation. It isn’t rational, but I haven’t been much for rationality in awhile unless it involves work. Even then, I think about you and dad all the time given what both of y’all meant to my educational growth, especially with you when it comes to my Spanish, because my Spanish is nice now, but you would probably say yours is still better.

This seems like a decent place to stop for now. Just know all these years later, you’re still finding a way to make your mark and leaving where you were better than you found it. You’ll always be my first friend, and know that I’m taking good care of your bear for you.